Perfectionism is a Trap – Let’s Make Imperfection Sexy Again!
Procrastinating on finishing this post is what I’d deem a perfectionism issue. Yes, I have it too. The perfectionism bug. The curse, I’d rather say. As Andrew Hill, who did a study on perfectionism in the UK, US and Canada, spanning over several decades described it:
“Perfectionism isn’t a behaviour. It’s a way of thinking about yourself.”
He adds, when faced with failure, “perfectionists tend to respond more harshly in terms of emotions. They experience more guilt, more shame.”
Defined as “a personality trait characterised by an excessive concern for flawless performance, an intense fear of failure, and a strong desire to meet impossibly high standards”, we often confuse perfectionism with excellence.
I believe that striving for excellence can be beneficial in a lot of cases, especially when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder. Perfectionism, though, takes it to an extreme level, often leading to negative consequences – especially if you are a busy working mum with a lot of stuff to juggle, your quality of life, your joy and mental health are likely deteriorating.
Let me ask you this, have you ever heard the expression “Jump out of the plane and grow wings on the way down.” as a metaphor for daring to do something even if it’s not perfectly prepared and you might not be ready for it?
Now ask yourself, does the thought of that sound reckless to you? Stupid even? Or does it ignite a spark in you, a sense of adventure and adrenaline?
Let’s look at what perfectionism, fear and imposter syndrome actually do to our lives – and explore some ideas to overcome, to dare again, to live again.
Ok – can you think of a situation when the fear of imperfection or failing has actually stopped you from doing something potentially great? Like, have you dreaded your beach vacation because you felt imperfect in your body? Or have you played it safe with an outfit, with a career move, with dating…because you didn’t feel, well, CONFIDENT?
The dread of imperfection, the fear of failure, the lack of confidence – what have they cost you in your life so far?
And more so, how can we turn things around to feel that confidence, to dodge that perfectionistic voice in our heads, and to live our best lives UNAPOLOGETICALLY and UNEMBARRASSED (if that’s a word even)?
One thing we all can learn from the brilliant Brene Brown is how to “Dare Greatly”.
Why? Because confidence is the new sexy. And if you don’t start living a little and risking a little and daring a bit more NOW, you’ll definitely regret it later.
Let me give you an example. I’ve heard an interview of Nora Ephron and Arianna Huffington recently and they talked about ageing. They said, The body parts you dread now and are embarrassed about – believe me, you’ll feel most nostalgic about those in 10 years time. And I get it – I mean, those boobs are in better shape now than they will be in 10 years right? The cellulite is less than it will be, too, most probably. The wrinkles are less than they will be. If you let nature run its course that is!
So, what shall we do my dear fellow stressed mamas? How can we overcome that pesky little perfectionism? How can we make imperfection sexy again? How can we be confident DESPITE our imperfections. How can we embody the art of not giving a *fork* and just go for it, live our lives to the fullest?
If you manage to overcome perfectionism and get out of that hamster wheel of external expectations and unrealistic standards, you could also decrease other side effects of perfectionism – such as anxiety, depression, sadness and anger.
Actually, studies suggest that one of the most robust protections against anxiety and depression is self-compassion – the very thing that perfectionists lack – but can learn.
Here are my top 5 mindset shifts to to dodge the perfectionism trap:
1. Reality check your inner perfectionist
If you frequently think or tell yourself things like “I have high standards”, “I want to be the best”, “I need to push myself harder” then you are likely in a perfectionist mindset that’s hard to uphold and live up to. Recognise those patterns and give them a reality check. Do you REALLY need to be better or push harder? Where does this expectation come from? What will happen if you just apply yourself the “normal” amount.
Likely you will feel uncomfortable and guilty if you can’t uphold a standard, you might even feel judged. I hear you. The price you pay for being imperfect is to be seen as human – would that be so bad? Maybe it would actually lead to connecting more deeply with the ones around you. It’s worth a try. Being imperfect together is better to be perfect but alone and exhausted, right?
Recognise the problem, and remind yourself that your value is not measured by your standards or by how hard you push yourself. Your qualities, accomplishments and other skills are what makes you YOU.
2. Embrace imperfection and make room for self-care
Letting go of perfection can actually spark your creative juices to flow again. Think of it like letting go of the obsession to be perfect and think of everything at all times, but instead shifting your mindset to what you really want, in that moment.
Tune into your body, your mind, your dreams. Free up mental space from obsessing and planning to being in the moment and fully present. Dwell in the moment. Enjoy a bit of peace and calm. Embrace the chaos. Go for a walk. Use your time for YOU, to recharge, reset even.
Acceptance is the key here – you have to accept that you don’t have to be perfect in everything you do.
3. Accept help and make it a habit to ask for it
As a working mom, it’s crucial to set realistic expectations for yourself. Understand that you can’t do everything perfectly, and it’s okay to ask for help when needed. Prioritise your tasks and focus on what truly matters to you and your family.
Whether it is help with childcare, prepping dinner, keeping your back free whilst finishing a project for your work – don’t hesitate to lean on your support network, both personally and professionally. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you.
Connect with other working moms who can relate to your experiences and provide valuable advice. How about a mummy beach day to celebrate sisterhood rather than fretting over who is the skinniest or who made the best food…
4. Figure on what’s really important in your life
When we take a step back and re-align our focus and energy towards what we want to achieve in life, towards our core values and our personal needs and dreams, then we develop a growth focussed mindset.
A growth mindset is opposed to a stagnant mindset – one where we go around in circles, don’t see patterns and don’t improve anything. A growth mindset on the other hand allows us to see the bigger picture, the goals and dreams we want to achieve and the values we find important – this helps to recognise blockages, old patterns and behaviours that hold us back from living our best lives.
Once we know what we want and who we are, or what’s important to us, things like a perfect table set up or fearing failure get a bit smaller – because we adjust our focus towards what we really want rather than focussing on what others might think.
5. Feel the doubt, the nervousness, the fear – and do it anyway!
Breaking out of patterns can be unnerving and feel like we are doing something wrong. Dodge that guilt and focus on how good it feels to take a risk or take an opportunity sometimes. Who doesn’t ask doesn’t get, right? If we always play it safe we also always feel that our dreams are out of reach, whilst that feeling of out of reach is often just the unknown path. And that might FEEL more daunting than it really is.
Take little steps, baby steps even, inch forward. Just keep moving, keep taking small steps towards. The worst we can do is stay stagnant, stuck and in a frozen state. That’s where frustrations foster and life begins to feel like it’s controlled by others rather than you being in the saddle.
To take charge you have to take a little step into the unknown sometimes. Remember, you are doing this for nobody other than YOURSELF, so it’s going to be a little scary at times but it’s going to be SO with it.
Whatever it is you start with, however little you dare to be yourself and love yourself – make sure you celebrate those successes and recognise the progress you are making.
This will boost your confidence and confidence is sexy. So I invite you to embrace your imperfections, because they make you YOU, and you are so worthy and perfect in your own way. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate and take the journey towards yourself step by step!
I salute you for being so brave and working on yourself, loving yourself and being a role model for generations to come by striving towards pleasing yourself rather than pleasing others. It’s the only way we can find true happiness and it’s a huge leap towards dodging burnout in the long run, too.
