Beat the guilt: The journey to MORE JOY

Chasing the balance, striving to perfection, living up to the vision you had of your live… Do you ever wonder whether ALL working mums feel this never ending overwhelm the same way you do?

Life for a working parent is a constant mental battle of prioritising, re-prioritising, second guessing choices and ending up with feelings of guilt or shame even. We feel bad for letting people down – our kids, our partner, our co-workers or our boss, and, in the end, also ourselves for not taking care of us at all in the process.

If we squeeze in time for self-care, exercise, healthy cooking or time with friends we then feel bad about letting down others because we prioritise ourselves, and that must be selfish, right? Yes, we could just not take the time to cook that lovely meal or do that hour long exercise today. Instead we should help others, our parents or neighbours. There’s nearly a shame in setting boundaries for self care and we don’t end up enjoying the time we set aside to do something for us, because we feel, say it with me, GUILTY for doing something for us or worse, for doing nothing at all. 

You might have gathered it by now – this week we talk about a topic that resonates deeply with many of us: mom guilt. As Arianna Huffington puts it, at birth they take the baby out and put the guilt in. 

Author Amy Westervelt put it nicely, too, in her book “forget having it all”, she said, that “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.” 

It’s a working mom dilemma and it causes so much guilt in all aspects of our lives – we want that career but then we feel guilty for working too much, we want a family and then feel sad when our kids grow up too quickly. 

As working parents, we’re no strangers to the juggling act of balancing (or better: integrating) careers, families, and personal well-being. In our previous episode on mindful motherhood and work-life integration, we explored the art of finding balance and nurturing happiness in our unique roles. Today, we’re taking it a step further and addressing that ever-present mom guilt that seems to sneak into our lives all the time. And I want to offer some ways that can lessen that guilt – because we deserve better than this constant mental second guessing. 

Alright, let’s get into solution mode and reset our minds a little.

I recently read this quote:

Just because you CAN handle something doesn’t mean you SHOULD handle it. Capacity doesn’t equal obligation.

This really struck a chord with me. Capacity doesn’t equal obligation. I mean, who here has an opening in their schedule and IMMEDIATELY fills it with something else. We are so used to being at full capacity that we nearly NEED a chock full schedule to feel like we are doing a good job overall. But why do we need that? What is the real NEED here? For me, it is a mix of something I’ve always been so used to, this “being busy”. And at the same time it felt like it gave me purpose. I can lend a helping hand here and there, I can do good for others, I can make them happy. 

And my purpose in life certainly isn’t ending up with burnout. Quite the contrary, actually. I want to live a happy and fulfilled life. But that guilt kept pushing me the other way. It kept me trapped in a behaviour loop and in thought patterns that would never get me to the life I want to live, nor the parent I want to be or the career I want to have, for that matter. 

There’s only one way to beat this, and it’s by letting it go through self-compassion, mindfulness and being more intentional with your time, focus and priorities. 

Let’s begin by acknowledging that mom guilt is a common emotion among us striving to be the best parents we can be. It’s that nagging feeling that we’re not doing enough or being enough. But remember, only good parents feel guilty, and it’s a sign of the love and dedication we have for our families and ourselves.

As a working mom myself, I’ve been down that guilt-ridden path. I want to share with you some strategies that I have discovered to reframe my thinking and find a healthier balance between my responsibilities and my well-being. And I hope they resonate with you, too.

1. Mindful Self-Care as the Antidote

One of the powerful ways to combat mom guilt is by embracing mindful self-care. Yes, I said “mindful.” Self-care isn’t about indulgence; it’s about nurturing our minds, bodies, and spirits in intentional ways. By taking care of ourselves, we become better equipped to care for our families and excel in our careers.

For instance, I started setting aside just 10 minutes each morning for a short meditation or journaling session. This simple practice not only helps me start the day with clarity but also reminds me that I deserve moments of calm amidst the chaos. I used an app for that, the Growth Day app that was created by my high performance coach Brendan Burchard, and the app allows you to also set reminders, score yourself and has training programs. 

2. Re-Training Our Minds

Now, let’s talk about re-training our minds when it comes to mom guilt. It’s about shifting our perspective and practising self-compassion. Here are three key pieces of advice to help you reset your mindset:

• Challenge Perfectionism: Acknowledge that being a perfect parent is an unattainable goal. Embrace imperfection as a beautiful part of the journey and recognize that your best effort is always enough. Perfection is not the same as excellence. I got so much positive feedback about my podcast episode number 11 where I talk about the perfectionism trap and ways out of it. If perfectionism is your achilles heel, then check out episode 11.

• Celebrate Small Wins: Instead of focusing on what you couldn’t do, celebrate what you did accomplish. Whether it’s completing a work project or spending quality time with your children, every step forward is a victory. You know, my boss recently said to me, “I know you don’t do that, but I think you should really pat yourself on the back for all you’ve gone through this year. You’ve achieved so much and don’t recognise yourself for it.” I nearly felt embarrassed, you know. But it’s true, we need to celebrate our wins. Big and small. 

• Practice Affirmations: Replace self-criticism with positive affirmations. When guilt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s truly admirable. You are a strong, capable, and loving parent. You can set yourself a reminder every day on your phone to reassure yourself that you got this. I have one every day at 8pm when I’m at my most exhausted and my most doubtful on whether I did good today. It says, “I’m strong, I’m capable. I got this.” You know, affirmations are so powerful because they overwrite the negative thoughts and voices in our heads with something really repetitively positive. If you can choose between a positive and a negative voice in your head, why not choose the positive one? My most listened to episode so far is episode 4, about teaching ourselves happiness. It’s going in depth on affirmations if you are curious to learn more. 

3. Self-Compassion

The more we learn to be compassionate with ourselves instead of being harder on ourselves and pushing ourselves, the more we choose self-love. 

Lastly, I want to touch on a key realisation you need to allow yourself to have on your journey away from guilt towards your empowered and happy life. And that is self compassion. You need to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for that time you were not paying attention when your kid told you something; forgive yourself for missing a work deadline; forgive yourself for another evening of working late. 

I am leaning into the voice that tells me, do that quickly, squeeze that in, do this now. And then I tune into my body. Often I don’t have the energy to push harder and would actually go over my personal boundaries. So I’ve learned to listen to my body instead of the nagging voice in my head. And I do what’s better for me. Do a gentler workout instead of a weights session or a run. Don’t rush to cook but order something in or improvise. Don’t work late but see a friend instead to prioritise a connection over a work achievement.

And I’m not saying I’m lazy or have given up on accomplishments. Quite the contrary. I have just learned to work WITH my body instead of AGAINST it. That way I use my energy best and do what’s really important to me, instead of the nagging voice in my head. 

As we WRAP UP today’s episode, I want you to know that you’re not alone in this journey. The path to overcoming mom guilt and embracing mindful self-care is a continuous one, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. By prioritizing your well-being, you’re setting a positive example for your children and creating a better quality of life for yourself.

Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, to take time for yourself, and to be kind to yourself. You are enough, and you’re doing an amazing job.